team jordan softball
Nick Walker.Boiler Room. 10/14/13. Photo by Jason Traeger.
i’m a clapper
The producers of “Last Vegas” are trying a new marketing campaign where they rewrite the descriptions of movies the actors have previously starred in. Please don’t ask me how I stumbled upon this. It goes deeper than I know.
An unstable Vietnam veteran (Robert De Niro, “Last Vegas”) works as a New York City taxi-driver. Disgusted by the decadence of the city, he is driven to violence and attempts to save a teenage prostitute and take her to Las Vegas.
The Shawshank Redemption
Two imprisoned men (some guy, Morgan Freeman, “Last Vegas”) bond over dreams that their adventures will eventually take them to Las Vegas.
An unemployed defense worker (Michael Douglas, “Last Vegas”) just wants to get home in time for his daughter’s birthday. However, life’s injustices keep getting in the way. Upset, he goes on a violent rampage through Los Angeles, with the hope that one day he’ll make it to Las Vegas.
When the United States President goes into a coma, the Secret Service replace him with the likeable owner of a temp agency (Kevin Kline, “Last Vegas”) on his way to Las Vegas.
Hi, I’ve been using this picture to promote Hecklevision this Saturday at 9:30 PM at the Hollywood Theatre in Portland, OR.
THIS IS MY FACE IF YOU DON’T GO TO THE SHOW
George Carlin, RIP.
Like a lot of great stand-up comics, I’ve previously adapted some of my jokes into memes. However, I didn’t think that was quite enough, so I asked a friend to record a set and transcribe those into memes. Here’s the result.
Hello, my name is Rick Jarson, CEO and Chief Believer Officer for Treasure Farms, an Organic Farm and family business. We are looking to add an important member to our Team. I’m looking for someone who can manage, coordinate and complete projects, in addition to being my personal assistant. Could it be you?!
My personal priorities include what I refer to as my Top 6.
It has been told to me, by myself, that there are 3 parts to making something. And then one part I always forget.
As a project manager/personal assistant/personal-project, you will be following my lead, and then leading things on your own way. Unless of course, I need to hop in front and take the reins (Horse humor. I have a farm that has many horses on it).
I think of the things. You do them!
That’s really what the job is: You doing my job!
I am an idea man.
I sit down, I tell you I want a fifteen-foot cross that can levitate in the air without any support, then You Do It!
When I take you on as my assistant, I expect you to be able to take what’s in my mind and make it a reality.
I tell you I want to write a novel about a good Christian man and his family of twenty-two, then you write that novel!
Maybe I tell you that novel’s actually about me! Then you erase all the words you wrote and turn that novel into a memoir!
Say I want to change my youngest son’s diaper. Well, usually that’s my wife’s job, but say she ran out of the house in a fury. Then it’s up to you to find my wife and then change that diaper!
I’m looking for someone who can really do it.
The perfect candidate for this job would:
In addition, you should be:
Education: Someone who loves to learn. All candidates should have up to a high-school education, or higher. I want you to take what you’ve learned in school, cut that in half, and then refill your brain with me.
Work Environment: My house, my farm, and your house. You can sleep in the attic on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the Barn on Thursdays, if need be.
This is a full time, (fill in the blank) hours per week job. All benefits will be taken care of by yourself, per my vision of what they should be.
If Interested please submit in e-mail
I’m excited about your future.
I bet you think you outsmarted me, don’t ya?
Well, you didn’t!
Yeah, I got you now, don’t I?
Bet you don’t feel so smart now, do you?
Feel pretty dumb, don’t you?
Yeah, I bet you do.
Doesn’t feel to good, does it?
Seems like I outsmarted you, don’t it?!
Hell yeah, I did.
And right before you tried to outsmart me.
You tried to outsmart me, didn’t you?
Yeah, I know you did.
Well, look at you now, huh!
Outsmarted by the person you tried to outsmart.
Makes you feel pretty dumb, don’t it?
Not feel smart, do you?
Bet I’m a whole lot smarter than you thought, aren’t I?
Bet it feels pretty bad now, don’t it?
I bet it do.
It do, don’t it?
Yeah it does.
I definitely got the upper hand now, don’t I?
Yeah, I do.
Ain’t I more clever than you thought?
Yeah, I am.
Hell yeah I am!
Look at you, way down there.
And me all the way up here.
I bet you didn’t think things would come out this way, did you?
Well, I did.
No, I didn’t!
Tricked you and I tricked myself.
Now we’ve both been tricked, haven’t we?
Yeah, hadn’t thought about that, had you now?
Heck, I hadn’t thought about that either.
Say, if you hadn’t thought about that…And I hadn’t thought ‘bout that, then I guess none of us really did anything that we thought we did…
…Didn’t we? Or didn’t we?
Ho-boy, I’m startin’ to feel kinda sick.
I look sick, don’t I?
Yeah, I bet I do.
I bet I do.
Listen, I’m gonna go lie down here, that’s what I’m gonna do.
I’m not gonna say that I wasn’t gonna lie down here and not lie down here, you know?
I’m no liar, ain’t I?
No, I ain’t.
I damn sure ain’t no liar, aren’t I?
This is a Yelp review about a Chuck E. Cheese.
This person is a monster.
"Too. Many. Kids.
To be fair, I came here for my nephew’s birthday party at 5 pm on a Saturday following an extended Friday night full of booze. The pizza was great for my hangover, the atmosphere, not so much.
Kids love it, though. Since I’m currently child-free, I’ll have to re-evaluate this in the future.”
This drunk decides to go to a Chuck E. Cheese and has the audacity to complain about the amount of kids in a restaurant where the slogan is “Where a kid can be a kid.”
Melissa from Beaverton, you need to get your life together and stop getting drinking so much. You have a nephew that looks up to you. Be better.